The Realness

So I'm trying to sort out my feelings right now. My friend had top surgery a few days ago and I wish I could be there with him. But instead I wait for smoke signals. All is well so far but I guess I had visions of being of more support and comfort. So that hasn't happened. I want to send a care package but I haven't. I think I am trying to sort out how flirtatious or vulnerable I want to be. I know he wants me and is thinking of me but like I said he's got a situation and besides it's all about his healing right now. So where does that leave me.

This past week I've thought about just moving on and figuring out how to transition past all this and just move back to friendship. I have another someone I have my eye on that I could direct my energy on. Of course that starts a whole other level of uncertainty. Which I am finally okay with. That's what I signed up for this year with opening up my heart and coming out to play. I think the hardest part is that there is such a strong powerful beautiful connection that so far has been based on creativity, trust, honesty, openness and freedom. If I'm being real, I'm stuck between that lovely open place and just wanting to be number one.

So instead of going out tonight hanging with the homos y las jotas I decided to watch some documentaries. I watched this one called Gender Redesigner which had some beautiful moments and let me feel a little more connected.
and then I watched this U People and that one just really gave it to me. They're full length documentaries so if you want to watch them give yourself some time and you won't regret it.
And me well. I'm in no rush I guess. I'm gonna work it out. I'm feeling some pain but mostly that is from the uncertainty and the way I like to torment myself and pretend everything is cool. And there is no lack of love. Just not sure it's the kind I want.